Have you ever been upset and decided to reach out to someone, but their response, often actually well-meaning, hits all the painful aspects in all the exactly the wrong ways and instantly shuts you down. If you would like to support someone who is struggling, here are some ideas for what are some of the good, bad and ugly ways to do it.
DONT SAY: it’s not as bad as you think.
SAY: I'm here if you want to talk about what's upsetting you.
You don’t know all the ins and outs of the situation. Even if you know all the facts, you are not troubled by the same fears, insecurities, past traumas and future hopes. You don’t know how good or how bad it feels. Let your loved one voice what’s going on inside. Often that alone is half of the solution.
DONT SAY: It’s exactly like that thing that happened to me 2 years ago.
SAY: I can only imagine how you must feel right now. Let me know if you’d like to talk about possible solutions.
It’s not about you right now. There’s nothing more disheartening than opening up to someone and then watch them launch into a long (boring) story about how the same (not even close) situation happened to them and how brilliantly they aced it. Shut the hell up about yourself for a moment. Even if you are pulling out that story to demonstrate a potential solution, don’t be a smarta ss about it. Listen to what ideas your friend has. Develop some ideas together. Suggest some insights only if your loved one explicitly asked for your advice.
DONT SAY: You shouldn’t feel like this. You should be grateful for everything that you have.
HUG. AND SAY: You can vent to me, I am here to listen.
Telling someone that they shouldn’t feel this or that negates their experience. Your ‘job’ is to validate their feelings, not deny them. They probably give themselves more shoulds and shouldnts than you can think of. And you are right, gratitude does help. And there will be a time to (find a better way to) remind them of all the amazing things in their life. But for now heavier feelings are dominating. They too need to be felt. They too need to be acknowledged. Not to be ruminated on. Not endlessly fed. But definitely NOT suppressed, bypassed or swept under the ‘good-vibes-only’ rug. And let the person feel the physical comfort. Literally having a shoulder to cry on feels amazing.
DONT SAY: You are impossible to deal with!
SAY: I’m sorry I’m not sure how to support you best right now. Please let me know what I can do to make you feel better?
Trust me, they are likely know that they are being difficult. They are probably suffering from it just as much as you are. Many people are afraid to be a burden. They are afraid of being too much. Don’t reinforce their fears when they already feel vulnerable. It’s ok for you not to know what to do. It’s ok to admit to it and just ask.
DONT SAY: You are clearly distracted, I’ll give you some space.
SAY: Would you prefer to be alone now or would you like me to be with you?
Yes, some people like to be alone when they are dealing with something. Even if you know this person, even if you know that they are not going to want to have you around, it will still feel good to have been offered support and presence. If you stay, make sure to tune into your loved one. They might just want your silent presence, they might want physical comfort of cuddles. Just because you are asked to stay doesn’t mean that you have to become a chatterbox.
DONT SAY: You are strong, you are gong to be just fine.
SAY: No matter what happens, you always have my support.
Strong people need support too. And strong people often feel alone, precisely because they often end up providing support to others while feeling that there isn’t a soul they can turn to when the going gets rough for them. It can land as a reminder that it’s ultimately their responsibility, and they are in this all alone. It helps tremendously to know that there is someone standing by their side and is willing to actually do something in addition to saying polite supportive things.
DONT SAY: Why didn’t you call me earlier?
SAY: Thank you for sharing this with me.
A s s hole move. It’s not the time for you to get pissy about the status of the friendship. It’s common to shut down (freeze reaction) and not want to talk even to your bestest of friends. Sometimes we are confused, sometimes we are afraid to be judged, sometimes the situation seems to messed up to let anyone in on it, sometimes we just want someone to come to ask, instead of us knocking on pity doors.
DONT SAY: Just relax and stop thinking about it.
Do.
All s/he wants to do is relax and not think about it. But they can’t. If they could, they wouldn’t be stressed right now. Which is exactly why they need your help. Don’t recommend yoga or meditation or run. Take them to yoga or meditation or run. Show up. Wake them up. Do it with them.
And never ever. ever. under any circumstances. are you to say sh + t like ‘I told you so’, ‘It’s your fault’, ‘We all knew it’s going to happen’, ‘You should have…’. If you are on the receiving end of such ‘support’, thank them and instantly walk away. This person is unlikely to make a positive contribution to your wellbeing at this moment.
Finally, prepared that even the softest words of support can backfire. Be prepared that you will not be thanked properly or not even at all for the moment. Make sure you are offering help because you are genuinely want to see the person happier, not because you are bored, looking for validation or any other reason that involves your interests. Before offering support take a pause, remember how you feel about your loved one, and how they could be not in their best. Taking a moment to tune into this will help you to deal with sharper, more emotional and charged moments of the conversation.
In the next posts I will talk about what to do in a situation when you feel that you loved one is draining you, when their problems, their negative state is affecting you in bad ways. I will also talk about a special situation when your friend or a family member can’t get out of dark times for a long period of time.
What are some of the worst support lines that you have received?